REVIEW:RAZZELS WARMING MASSAGE KIT

CONTAINS: 4 10 ml sugar free flavoured lubricating gel in kissable cherry, sinful strawberry, pleasurable green apple and tropical teeze. 1 compact mini massager.
PACKAGING: Plastic, see through with garish colours on. Cheap and nasty looking. It's not immediately obviously that there's a small vibrator in there either. It just looks like one of those cheap, nasty flavoured lube packs that you get in your party bag from a hen night. My husband commented that it looks like a sweet packet. No instructions in or on the box.
LUBRICATING GEL: It really didn't need to be sugar free because I can't imagine anyone swallowing this stuff. It tastes awful! It's sickly sweet, slightly bitter and very medicinal. I'm not the biggest fan of flavoured lubes anyway, but all the tubes tasted the same. It's a shame because the names of the various flavours were great. Sinful strawberry and kissable cherry sounded great, but then you taste it and *BULK* it all goes downhill from there.
Despite all the lubes being different flavours they were all warming gels. I've recently been getting into the Durex warming and tingle gels, so I thought that this would be its saving grace. Nope. You can't open them. The gel is stored in one of these 'pillow' packs that you have to twist the top off to get into, which you can't. I twisted and twisted, I used my nails and my husband used his teeth and eventually resorted to cutting it with scissors. Call me lazy, but I never want to do that much work in the bedroom before I've even touched my partner. My poor man lost his erection twice while I cursed and sweated my way getting into these wee catch 22 packs.
We got in; the lube is too runny and goes everywhere. Covering me, the husband and bed sheets in sticky, slimy and thoroughly disgusting lube. We persevere and rub it onto each other. My husband complains that it 'burns'. I comment that it's a warming lube. "No, it's really burning" he states. Then I notice my skin feels like it's been flayed. I'd call it more of a sting than a burn... And that's a problem. Whenever the words 'stinging' and 'burning' come into a conversation about sex I tend to be put right off. Is it a sex lube or an STI?
Despite our better judgment we carried on to have sex but I really wish we hadn't. The 'lube' certainly did not lubricate anything. In fact it felt as though it had swollen things up, and not in a good way! For the first time in a very long time I actually felt sore while my husband entered me, so we quit! Well done Razzels, you managed to do what nearly nothing else can... You killed my sex life with your lubes!
VIBRATOR: It's like they knew how awful the lubes were so threw this in the pack to bribe people... They failed! It's see through blue, takes one AA battery, it’s about 4 inches high, an inch thick, made of brittle plastic and absolutely useless. Being see through is a bad idea as its so cheaply made that they really shouldn't show us just how crap it is. It has a screw bottom and three levels. On, Off and Open. Good luck with that one. I used it, went to switch it of and the whole thing fell apart because the 'open' switch is right next to the 'off' switch so I'd released the damn thing and the bottom of the vibe with the battery fell onto the bed. NOT HAPPY! Also you can't just switch it on. You have to jangle it round and turn it before it goes on. My husband thought it was broken; I just wish that it was!
The vibration is just plain irritating. For such a small vibe it should be quiet but it's not. It sounds like a bluebottle in a loud speaker.
CONCLUSION: Run, run away as fast as you can! *AHEM* Err, yeah... it's not very good at all. I suppose you could buy it and give it to someone who you don't particularly like. As for a wee gift for yourself? There's much cheaper, better feeling, better looking and far less hassle. Lovehoney Sale anyone?

'Razzels Warming Massage Kit'? More like 'frazzled Warning Message Kit'